Why Values Matter More Than Looks in Relationships

The spark gets things started, but shared values keep the fire burning. Let’s talk about what really matters in a relationship.

Because while butterflies are great and physical attraction is real (and fun), when it comes to choosing someone to build a life with, it turns out that what you believe in together matters far more than what you look like together.

We’re wired to be drawn to beauty, it’s human. But long after the first dates, the selfies, and the chemistry, you’re going to be living real life together. Paying bills. Navigating parenting. Making hard choices. Facing illness. Managing stress. And in those moments, it’s not a six-pack or a smile that gets you through.

It’s values. What you stand for. What you’re building toward. And how you walk through the world, together.

We’re living in a time when dating apps let you choose a partner based on a few photos and a three-line bio. But real compatibility runs deeper than that.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who has studied over 3,000 couples over 40+ years, says that shared meaning is a pillar of long-term relationship success.

Couples who thrive don’t just “get along.” They agree on what they’re building together. They fight for their relationship, not just with each other.

And research backs it up. A 2020 study published in Personality and Individual Differences found that shared values (especially around family, faith, and lifestyle) are significantly linked to higher relationship satisfaction and lower divorce rates.

So What Values Really Matter?

While every couple is different, here are three foundational areas where value-alignment makes all the difference:

1. Faith & Worldview: What’s guiding your life decisions?

Whether you’re a person of faith or not, everyone lives by a set of beliefs—about right and wrong, identity, suffering, justice, purpose, and more. These beliefs shape how we interpret the world and make decisions.

If you deeply value a life grounded in faith, grace, and purpose, but your partner is driven by success, image, or instant gratification, friction is inevitable.

In fact, research from the Pew Research Center shows that couples who regularly share spiritual practices report greater satisfaction, intimacy, and commitment.

It’s not about agreeing on every theological point. It’s about walking in the same direction, with a shared compass.

Questions to ask:

• What’s our ultimate purpose?

• How do we make major life decisions?

• How do we make sense of pain or challenge?

2. Family & Future: What kind of life do you want to build?

This goes beyond “Do you want kids?” It’s about how you see the everyday moments and the big picture.

Do you value slow weekends at home, or adventure and spontaneity?
Do you see parenting as a partnership, or something to divide and conquer?
Do you prioritise saving, giving, or enjoying money while you have it?

A 2023 study in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that mismatched life goals was one of the top contributors to long-term dissatisfaction.

You don’t have to want identical things. But you do need to talk honestly about the kind of life you’re both hoping to build.

Questions to ask:

• What does success look like for us?

• What kind of home environment do we want?

• Where are we five, ten, or twenty years from now?

3. Character & Communication: How do we treat each other, especially when it’s hard?

When the honeymoon phase fades (and it always does), this is where real love lives.

How someone handles stress, apologises, listens, or speaks when they’re upset, these are all reflections of their core character, not their charisma.

In long-term studies by Dr. Sue Johnson (creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy), it’s clear that emotional responsiveness and safety are non-negotiables for healthy attachment in adult romantic relationships.

You don’t need someone who’s perfect. You need someone who’s emotionally safe.

Questions to ask:

• Can we have hard conversations with honesty and kindness?

• Are we both open to growth and feedback?

• Do we make each other feel safe and seen?

Of course. You should feel drawn to your person. But research shows that traits like emotional stability, kindness, and reliability consistently rank higher than looks when people consider a life partner.

Attraction may pull you in, but it’s values that help you stay.

As marriage author Gary Thomas says in The Sacred Search, “A good marriage isn’t something you find, it’s something you build.”

And you build it by choosing a partner who shares what you value most, faith, integrity, direction, character, and love that shows up.

When you're choosing someone to love long-term, don’t just ask:

• Are we attracted to each other?
  Ask:

• Can we build a life we both believe in?

• Are we growing in the same direction?

Because the truth is, butterflies fade. But shared values? They hold hands in hospital rooms, raise children with intention, laugh through hard seasons, and love on purpose.

And that’s the kind of love worth waiting, and working, for.

Disclaimer: The resources provided on this site are for educational purposes only and are not intended as a replacement for professional therapy, counselling, or medical care. Please consult with a licensed mental health clinician for any personal concerns or questions. In case of a crisis, contact emergency services immediately.