What Keeps Low Self-Esteem Going?

18 May

Low self-esteem isn’t just about lacking confidence. It’s deeper than that. It’s about carrying around a quiet ache that says, “I’m not enough.” It’s the internal narrative that keeps whispering that you don’t measure up, that you’re unworthy, unlovable, or destined to fail. Over time, this narrative can become so familiar that it feels like truth—even though it’s not.

Research tells us that nearly 85% of people struggle with low self-esteem at some point in their lives. That’s a staggering number, almost all of us, in one way or another, have walked through seasons of self-doubt, insecurity, or inner criticism. So if you’re in that space right now, please know this: you’re not broken. You’re not alone. And you’re not beyond healing.

Understanding why low self-esteem sticks around is one of the first steps to freedom.

Let’s look at what keeps it going, and how we can begin to break the cycle.

1. The Power of Core Beliefs

At the root of low self-esteem are what psychologists call core beliefs. These are deeply held views about ourselves that shape how we see everything—our worth, our relationships, our future. Beliefs like:

“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m a failure.”
“I’m too much.”
“I’m not lovable.”

They often form in early life, influenced by the way we were spoken to, treated, or left unseen. Over time, they settle in our hearts like bedrock.

The danger is that we start living as if those beliefs are facts, even when they’re not. Research confirms this too, according to a model published in Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, these beliefs tend to stick because of the way we interpret events through them, reinforcing what we already (falsely) believe.

But let me gently remind you: just because a belief feels true, doesn’t mean it is true.

2. The Voice of the Inner Critic

For many people with low self-esteem, the voice inside becomes relentlessly critical. It mimics voices from the past—parents, peers, coaches, teachers—or even our own internalised pressure to be perfect. That voice says:

“You’ll never get this right.”
“You always mess things up.”
“What’s wrong with you?”

Sometimes we think this voice will motivate us. But in reality, research published in Clinical Psychology Review shows that self-criticism is strongly linked to anxiety, depression, and shame. It doesn’t empower us, it diminishes us. It erodes our confidence and leaves us feeling constantly defeated.

Here’s a question I often ask my clients: Would you speak to a close friend the way you speak to yourself? If the answer is no, what makes you think you deserve less kindness than they do?

3. Living by Harsh Internal Rules

To cope with the pain of not feeling good enough, we often build rigid rules for living. These might sound like:

“If I do everything perfectly, then I’ll be OK.”
“I must never disappoint anyone.”
“If I keep everyone happy, maybe I’ll be accepted.”

These rules come from a deep desire to protect ourselves, to stay safe, to earn love, to avoid rejection.

But when those rules are too strict, we end up constantly striving and always falling short. And the heartbreak? Every time we fail to meet those impossible standards, we reinforce the very belief we were trying to run from: “I’m not enough.”

According to research on perfectionism in Self Magazine and clinical studies, these all-or-nothing beliefs increase stress, lead to burnout, and create more emotional exhaustion, not less.

4. Avoidance, Anxiety & the Need to Prove Ourselves

When our core belief is triggered, maybe we make a mistake, receive criticism, or disappoint someone we immediately start making anxious predictions:

“They’re going to think I’m incompetent.”
“What if I upset them?”
“I’ll probably fail again.”

In response, we try to control the outcome. We over-prepare. We people-please. We withdraw. We work harder. We become hyper-alert to how others perceive us.

These behaviours make sense—they’re protective. But they also stop us from discovering a much kinder truth: you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy. You don’t have to prove yourself to be loved.

In fact, studies show that these “safety behaviours” tend to backfire. They make us feel more anxious, more disconnected, and more convinced that we’re not OK.

5. The 'Liking Gap': A Hidden Misconception

One fascinating phenomenon in psychology is called the “liking gap.” It’s the tendency for people to consistently underestimate how much others like them. This means that even when people enjoy our company or appreciate us, we might not believe it.

In a study by Psychological Science, researchers found that most people walk away from conversations believing they were liked less than they actually were. If you already believe you’re unworthy or unlikeable, this bias just reinforces that inner narrative, even though it may not be true.

So What Can We Do About It?

Healing from low self-esteem is possible. And no, it doesn’t mean becoming arrogant or self-absorbed. It means learning to see yourself with the same kindness, honesty, and grace that you would extend to someone you love.

Here’s where we start:

Notice your inner dialogue. What’s the tone of your thoughts? Is it critical, shaming, or harsh? Practice interrupting those patterns and offering yourself more compassionate alternatives.
Question the story. Where did that core belief come from? Is it based on truth, or a wounded moment in your past?
Soften the rules. Life isn’t a pass/fail exam. Give yourself room to be human. Replace “I must always…” with “I will do my best, and that’s enough.”
Practice self-compassion. According to psychologist Kristin Neff, self-compassion leads to greater emotional resilience, stronger relationships, and improved mental health. It’s not weakness—it’s healing.

You are not your past. You are not your lowest moment. And you are not beyond growth.

As a therapist, I believe that true growth involves both the mind and the heart. Healing is not about pretending everything is fine, it’s about facing the real stories we tell ourselves, and gently rewriting them with compassion, evidence, and truth.

If you’re stuck in a cycle of low self-esteem, I want you to know: things can change. The way you see yourself can begin to shift, with patience, with support, and with kindness.