Avoid Now, Pay Later

You tell yourself you’ll do it tomorrow. But tomorrow keeps moving. You keep avoiding the email. The conversation. The decision. The feeling. Instead, you scroll. You stay busy. You say you’re fine. And for a moment, the pressure eases.

But eventually… the thing comes back. The task. The tension. The unresolved emotion, still waiting, right where you left it.

This is avoidance. And while it gives you short-term relief, it often creates long-term pain. The truth is: what you avoid doesn’t disappear. It quietly grows, heavier, and more emotionally loaded with each passing day.

In psychology, avoidance refers to any behaviour we use to escape emotional discomfort. Whether it’s procrastination, emotional numbing, or social withdrawal, it all comes down to this: we avoid because we’re trying to protect ourselves.

Dr. Steven Hayes, founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), puts it this way:

"The single biggest predictor of long-term suffering is experiential avoidance, the ongoing attempt to avoid unwanted internal experiences."

Avoidance isn’t laziness. It’s not a flaw in your character. It’s your nervous system responding to threat. Your brain interpreting discomfort as danger. And that makes sense, especially if you’ve been through trauma, burnout, or long periods of stress.

Avoidance doesn’t always look like running away. Sometimes it looks like:

• Procrastination — putting off tasks because starting feels overwhelming

• Over-busyness — filling your schedule so you don’t have to think or feel

• Emotional numbing — escaping into Netflix, alcohol, work, food, or scrolling

• Conflict avoidance — saying “it’s fine” when it isn’t

• Withdrawing from help — skipping therapy, ignoring messages, isolating

At its core, avoidance whispers: “If I don’t face this, I won’t feel pain.”But here’s the catch: The pain doesn’t go away — it just changes shape.

Why We Avoid (And Why It Makes Sense)

Avoidance is hardwired. It’s part of your threat response system, governed by the amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm bell.

In threatening situations, it’s adaptive to fight, flee, or freeze. And when your brain perceives a difficult conversation or buried emotion as threatening, avoidance kicks in. You retreat to safety.

"Avoidance is an emotion regulation strategy. It works… until it doesn’t."
— Dr. Susan David, Harvard Psychologist & author of Emotional Agility

When we avoid something, and experience relief, our brain gives us a dopamine hit. That immediate drop in stress reinforces the behaviour. So next time we feel discomfort, our brain suggests: Let’s just avoid again. This feedback loop strengthens the connection between discomfort and avoidance, while weakening our tolerance for challenge.

The Cost of Avoidance

What starts as protection often becomes a trap. Research shows that experiential avoidance is strongly associated with anxiety, depression, and reduced psychological flexibility (Kashdan, Barrios, & Forsyth, 2006). Over time, the costs add up:

• Increased anxiety — avoided tasks or feelings become scarier in your mind

• Decreased self-trust — you stop believing you can handle hard things

• Missed opportunities — growth, healing, connection pass by

• Emotional suppression — which research shows is linked to higher stress, poor immune function, and even physical illness (Gross & Levenson, 1997)

• Strained relationships — when honesty, repair, and vulnerability are avoided

Avoidance can keep you feeling stuck in the waiting room of your own life, safe, but not fulfilled. Protected, but not free.

So, What’s the Alternative? Gentle Exposure + Values-Based Action

You don’t have to bulldoze your way through fear. You don’t have to confront every emotion all at once. But you do need to begin turning toward what matters — gently, and with intention.

This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and exposure science offer real hope. These approaches aren’t about “getting over it.” They’re about getting into it — slowly, kindly, and meaningfully.

1. Name the Avoidance

Start by getting honest: What exactly are you avoiding? A task? A decision? A memory? An emotion? Don’t judge it. Just name it. Research in exposure therapy shows that naming the fear begins to reduce its intensity. (Foa & Kozak, 1986)

2. Notice the Emotion Underneath

Ask yourself:

• What do I feel when I even think about doing this?

• What story is my mind telling me?

Often, it's not just the task — it’s fear of failure, shame, guilt, or the belief: “I can’t cope.”Psychologist Kristin Neff reminds us: "We need to meet our pain with compassion before we can transform it."

3. Ask What Matters

Instead of asking, “How do I avoid pain?”, ask:

• “What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?”

• “What would courage, not fear, choose right now?”

• “What does this situation invite me to grow into?”

4. Take One Small Step (With Fear in Tow)

Not a leap. Not a sprint. A small, doable step.

• Open the bill

• Start the email

• Sit with the sadness for two minutes

• Say, “Can we talk?”

• Speak the boundary, even if your voice shakes

These micro-movements matter. Exposure therapy research shows that gradual, repeated contact with feared experiences reduces avoidance and increases distress tolerance over time (Craske et al., 2008).

5. Celebrate with Meaning, Not Relief

After doing the hard thing, don’t just say, “Glad that’s over.” Say, “That was brave. I showed up. I chose growth.” Reinforce the identity you’re building, someone who does hard things with heart.

Avoidance isn’t the enemy. But if it’s quietly running the show, it might be keeping you stuck, not protected. What you avoid doesn’t just wait. It grows in power, in pressure, in emotional weight.

And you? You shrink a little every time you turn away from what matters most. You don’t need to be fearless. You don’t need to get it perfect. You just need to take one small, honest, values-aligned step.

Disclaimer: The resources provided on this site are for educational purposes only and are not intended as a replacement for professional therapy, counselling, or medical care. Please consult with a licensed mental health clinician for any personal concerns or questions. In case of a crisis, contact emergency services immediately.