The Modern Day Love Triangle: You, Me and Technology

Don’t get me wrong, technology is a brilliant tool, but it has also become a subtle intruder in our most sacred spaces. Ever noticed couples sitting across from each other in a café, not making eye contact, just scrolling silently? Or found yourself lying in bed with your spouse, not talking, just sending each other memes from three feet away? Don’t feel bad. I can relate, I’ve been there. Like most couples, my heart’s desire is to feel connected to my husband, but I often find myself stuck in patterns of disconnection or quiet avoidance.

Researchers call it “technoference”, the everyday interruptions that happen when digital devices distract us from the people right in front of us.

And it’s been consistently linked to lower relationship satisfaction, reduced intimacy, and more frequent conflict. Even the simple presence of a phone, face down on the table, can shift the tone of a conversation. Studies have shown that when a phone is visible, people feel less empathy from their partner and report a lower sense of connection. It’s not just about what we’re doing on our devices, it’s what we’re missing when we’re on them.

According to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, it’s not the grand gestures that make a relationship strong, it’s the little things. The subtle moments. The everyday “bids for connection.”

A bid might look like a passing comment, a glance, a question, or even a shared meme. It’s one partner reaching out emotionally, hoping the other will notice and respond.

Here’s what’s powerful: in thriving relationships, partners turn toward these bids 86% of the time. That means they notice, they respond, they engage. In relationships that are struggling? That number drops to just 33%.

And here’s where it gets real, every time we miss a bid, especially because we’re glued to a screen, we send a quiet message: I don’t see you. I’m not with you.

Over time, those missed moments start to add up. They chip away at the trust, closeness, and warmth we’re all longing for.

Because love isn’t built in the big, dramatic scenes. It’s built in the micro-moments, if we’re paying attention.

Secure adult relationships thrive on one essential ingredient: emotional attunement, the felt experience of being seen, heard, and truly valued. But when our attention is constantly split between our partner and a screen, that sense of connection quietly crumbles.

Recent studies show that when someone feels like their partner is always on their phone, it doesn’t just annoy them, it can lower commitment and spark anxiety in the relationship.

It’s not just about screen time; it’s about presence. Are we actually with each other, or just physically nearby?We tell ourselves we’re multitasking love. But the truth? We might be starving it.

A Relationship Reboot: Four Practical Shifts

Here are four intentional steps couples can take to strengthen their connection in a digital age:

1. Presence Over Performance

Not every moment needs to be captured, posted, or performed. Some of the most sacred, meaningful memories are the ones no one else sees—just the two of you, fully present.

It’s easy to be near each other without really being with each other. But love grows in those quiet, ordinary moments where attention becomes affection.

Try this: the 10-10-10 rule.
→ Spend the first 10 minutes after work truly reconnecting—no phones, no distractions.
→ Share the last 10 minutes before bed in conversation, prayer, or stillness together.
→ Set aside 10 screen-free minutes during dinner to simply be with each other.

These small moments might not make it to your feed—but they’ll make it into your foundation.

2. Create Phone-Free Zones

Try carving out sacred spaces in your day, places where phones don’t belong. Maybe it’s the dinner table, the bedroom, or date nights. These screen-free zones become holy ground for eye contact, belly laughs, and real connection. It might sound simple, but research backs it up. Couples who intentionally unplug during key moments report feeling more satisfied in their relationship, with fewer arguments and deeper emotional safety.Because sometimes the best way to say I love you is to put the phone down, and be fully present.

3. Answer the Bids

Start paying attention to the little cues, “Did you see this?” or “I had the weirdest day.” These aren’t just throwaway comments… they’re gentle bids for connection. Invitations to step into your partner’s world, even just for a moment.

4. Weekly Check-Ins

Take a moment each week, just the two of you, no distractions, to check in on us. Not the calendar, not the to-do list… just the heart space between you.

Ask things like:
• How connected do you feel to me right now?
• Was there anything I did—or didn’t do—that made you feel distant this week?
• What’s one thing I can do to support you better this week?

These aren’t just nice questions. They’re invitations, into safety, into vulnerability, into real intimacy.

In a world full of endless pings, scrolls, and distractions, real connection takes intention.

Your relationship doesn’t need more highlight reels or perfectly curated content—it needs meaningful contact. Eye contact. Linger-a-little-longer kind of moments.

Because love doesn’t grow on autopilot. It grows in the small, ordinary pauses. The ones where you choose presence over performance.

So maybe it’s time to ditch the third wheel (yes, the phone) and offer your partner something even better than a text reply: your full, undivided attention.

That’s where connection lives. That’s where love deepens.