Loving Your Partner the Way They Feel Loved

We’ve all been there, doing our best to show love, only to be met with confusion, frustration, or distance.

You plan a surprise. You offer kind words.
You give what you would want. But somehow, it doesn’t connect.

And you’re left wondering: “Why doesn’t this feel like enough?”

Here’s the truth. Loving someone well isn’t just about your effort. It’s about their experience.

We often assume love should come naturally. That if we mean well and give our best, it should be received with open arms.
But marriage will quickly teach you:

What feels like love to you may not feel like love to them.

Real connection takes more than good intentions.
It takes curiosity, humility, and a willingness to grow, especially when loving your partner doesn’t come naturally or intuitively.

Because at the end of the day, healthy marriages aren’t built on just feeling love, they’re built on learning to give love in a way that actually lands.

So let’s talk about it. Let’s explore three key shifts that can deepen connection, prevent unintentional hurt, and help your love not just be given, but truly felt.

1. Love them in the way they need, not just in the way that feels natural to you

Most of us default to giving love the way we’d like to receive it. If words matter to you, you’ll offer words. If quality time fills your tank, you’ll try to create moments.

And while your intention is beautiful, it may not be what your partner actually needs to feel safe, seen, and loved.

Take Natalie. She feels most connected when her husband spends time with her. But Jake, her husband, feels most loved when acts of service are done for him. So while Natalie is full of affectionate words and deep conversation, Jake feels disconnected when he’s left to carry the practical load alone.

Or Jeremiah, who grew up in a family where teasing meant affection. It’s how he bonded with the people he loved. But his wife, Amy, was raised in a sensitive environment where teasing felt unsafe and painful. So every time Jeremiah made a joke, it didn’t build connection, it chipped away at it.

Real love asks, not “How do I give love?” but “How do you receive it?”

Here are a few reflection questions:

• What actually makes my partner feel loved and secure?

• Am I assuming they’re wired like me?

• Am I willing to grow beyond what’s comfortable to better connect with their heart?

Healthy love doesn’t settle for intention alone, it seeks understanding. And your relationship will flourish when you love in a way that actually lands.

2. Just because it wouldn’t hurt you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt them

Here’s a hard but holy truth in marriage: Different people have different sensitivities.
And that’s okay.

One of the most damaging things we can say to our spouse is: “Well I wouldn’t be upset by that.”

It dismisses their experience. It invalidates their pain. And it quietly communicates: “You’re overreacting.”

Take Esther. She grew up in a family that debated everything loudly at the dinner table. Raised voices were normal, and even energising. But her husband Ryan? He came from a home where conflict felt dangerous. So when she speaks with intensity, he shuts down, not because he doesn’t care, but because his nervous system says, “This isn’t safe.”

Or Noah, who thrives on independence. He doesn’t need constant check-ins or reassurance, so he assumes Jess, his wife, doesn’t either. But when she doesn’t hear from him all day, she feels emotionally forgotten. Not because she’s needy, but because her need for connection is different.

Love doesn’t say, “That wouldn’t bother me.”
It says, “If it hurts you, I want to understand why.”

We don’t get to measure someone else’s pain by our own scale. And in marriage, empathy matters more than logic.

So next time your spouse expresses hurt, pause before you rationalise.
Instead, try:

• “Tell me more about why that was hard for you.”

• “I didn’t realise that affected you like that, thank you for telling me.”

• “That’s not how I see it, but I want to understand your experience.”

Real love leans in, even when it doesn’t fully understand. Because the goal isn’t to agree with everything your partner feels, but to honour it. Love listens, validates, and says, “If it matters to you, it matters to me.”