Why Bids for Connection Matter More Than You Think

8 July

You’re making dinner when your partner walks in and says, “Look at this funny video.” You nod vaguely but keep stirring the pot. You’re distracted, tired, thinking about what’s next.

What just happened? According to Dr. John Gottman, you may have missed a bid for connection, one of the most important building blocks in a healthy relationship.

In long-term love, it’s not the grand romantic gestures that keep couples close, it’s how they respond to each other’s small, everyday emotional needs.

A bid is any attempt to get attention, affection, or affirmation. It could be verbal (“How was your day?”), physical (a hand on your back), or even emotional (a sigh or a subtle glance).

It’s your partner saying, “Will you connect with me?” And every time you respond, you’re answering, “Yes, I see you, I’m here.”

In research conducted at The Gottman Institute, couples who stayed happily married over six years responded positively to their partner’s bids 86% of the time.
Those who divorced? Only 33% of the time. That’s not just significant—it’s staggering.

The Science Behind It

Neuroscience confirms what the research shows: human beings are wired for connection. When someone responds warmly to a bid, the brain releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), and over time, this strengthens emotional safety and trust.

Even a tiny gesture, like eye contact or a “tell me more”, can activate the brain’s reward system, reinforcing closeness.

But when bids are consistently ignored, dismissed, or rejected, the result is disconnection.
As psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson puts it, “Our deepest need is to know we’re emotionally safe and held. Without that, we don’t thrive.”

What Bids Sound Like

Bids for connection are everywhere, they’re just not always obvious. Here are a few examples:

“Want to come with me to the shop?” → Bid for time together
“Work was a lot today.” → Bid for emotional support
“Did you see that article I sent?” → Bid for shared interest
A shoulder rub, a joke, a random story → Bid for affection or attention

It’s easy to dismiss these moments as small talk or habit—but they’re actually sacred micro-moments that shape your emotional bond.

Why They’re Easy to Miss

Let’s be honest, life is full. Between kids, work, chores, and the never-ending mental to-do list, many couples go into survival mode. We get task-focused, not connection-focused. Phones, fatigue, and unspoken resentment can also make us tune out without meaning to. And sometimes, we’re not even aware that our partner is reaching for us.

But the more bids we miss, the more disconnected we feel. You don’t need to be a mind-reader. You just need to slow down and start noticing.

1. Tune In More Often

Look up when your partner speaks. Notice their tone, their eyes, their body language. Even a gentle “What’s up?” can invite more connection.

2. Respond, Even If It’s Small

You don’t have to launch into a long conversation every time. A nod, a smile, or “Thanks for sharing that with me” is often enough.

3. Ask Questions

If you’re not sure if something’s a bid, ask. “Do you want to talk about it?” or “Are you looking for advice or just someone to listen?”

4. Turn Toward, Not Away

Dr. Gottman’s research defines this as the habit of intimacy. Turning toward builds connection. Turning away slowly erodes it.

The Long-Term Impact

When you respond to a bid, your partner feels:

Seen
Valued
Safe

Over time, this builds:

Emotional intimacy
Trust
Greater resilience in conflict

In fact, Gottman’s research shows that positive interactions during neutral or everyday moments are more predictive of marital satisfaction than how couples handle arguments.

That’s right, it’s not how well you fight, but how well you connect that determines your future.

If love is a language, bids for connection are its vocabulary. They’re the “I’m here,” the “Do you see me?” and the “Let’s be close even when life is busy.”

Marriage isn’t held together by grand gestures, it’s strengthened by everyday choices.
And the good news? You get dozens of chances a day to say yes to connection.

So next time your partner sends you a small signal, a sigh, a story, a silly meme, pause.
Look up. Turn toward. Because those little moments? They matter more than you think.