Rediscovering Romance After Kids

11 July

You make a great team. You’ve mastered the chaos of family life, tag-teaming bedtime, juggling school drop-offs, handling toddler meltdowns like pros. You’re both showing up, doing your best, and loving your kids well. In many ways, you’re thriving... as parents.

But when the house is finally quiet and it’s just the two of you? Something feels a little off.

The conversations are mostly about logistics, not feelings. You’re always together, but somehow you miss each other. There’s no big conflict, but there’s no deep connection either. You're not fighting... just feeling far.

If that sounds familiar, take a deep breath, you’re not alone, and you’re certainly not failing. This quiet disconnection is one of the most common (and least talked about) challenges couples face in the parenting years.

But here’s the good news: it doesn’t have to stay this way. Reconnection is possible. Intimacy can be rebuilt. And the two of you? You’re still a team, just one that might need a little time to rediscover us again.

A landmark longitudinal study by Drs. John and Julie Gottman found that 67% of couples experience a drop in relationship satisfaction during the first three years after having a child. That’s a staggering majority. And it's often not because of conflict, but because of sheer exhaustion, role overload, and the lack of space for emotional or physical intimacy.

Parenting demands so much from us that couples often slip into “co-manager” mode, efficient, high-functioning, and completely emotionally disconnected.

Other research confirms this trend. A meta-analysis published in the Journal of Family Psychology (Twenge et al., 2003) revealed that parents report significantly lower levels of marital satisfaction compared to non-parents, with the sharpest drop occurring when children are infants or toddlers. And again, it’s not usually due to overt conflict—but from slow, unintentional emotional neglect. A quiet drifting apart.

“We don’t fall out of love. We fall out of connection.”
— Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

This kind of disconnection, when left unspoken or unattended, can turn into a subtle unraveling. Many couples still function well on the outside, but inside they feel emotionally starved, and silently wonder if it’ll ever feel “like us” again.

Why Emotional Intimacy Still Matters—Even in the Chaos

It’s tempting to believe that this is just a season, that once the kids are older or life slows down, the marriage will bounce back on its own.

But disconnection rarely fixes itself. Left unchecked, it often deepens.

What makes this even more crucial is that your relationship doesn't just affect the two of you—it has ripple effects on your entire family. A study published in Family Process (Cox, Paley, & Harter, 2001) found that marital quality is a primary predictor of a child’s emotional wellbeing—even more so than parenting style.

Children who grow up seeing their parents emotionally connected tend to develop stronger emotional regulation, healthier social skills, and greater psychological resilience.

“The best gift you can give your children is a strong, connected relationship between their parents.” — Dr. John Gottman

So investing in your marriage isn’t selfish. It’s foundational.

How to Reconnect as Partners (Not Just Co-Parents)

1. Rebuild Your “Love Maps”

In Gottman Therapy, a Love Map is the mental blueprint of your partner’s inner world, their fears, dreams, stresses, joys. When couples are emotionally close, they keep these maps updated. But in the busyness of parenting, many couples stop asking the deeper questions and begin relating only through logistics.

Take time each week to ask open-ended questions like:

“What’s something that’s been on your mind lately that I might not know about?”
“Is there an area where you’ve been feeling unsupported?”
“What’s been bringing you joy, or stress, this week?”

Dr. John Gottman found that couples who stay emotionally attuned through life changes are far more likely to stay connected long-term. Rebuilding these love maps starts with curiosity and intentional time.

2. Create Rituals of Connection

Daily rituals, even tiny ones, build a relational rhythm and remind you: we matter too.

Studies show that couples who carve out intentional time to connect experience higher satisfaction and lower stress(Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2001).

Try:

A 10-minute “reconnection window” after the kids go to bed (no phones!)
The “six-second kiss” every morning and night (a Gottman classic)
A weekly coffee catch-up or walk (even with a stroller or baby monitor in tow)
Sharing a devotional or gratitude journal once a week

Rituals don’t have to be fancy to be powerful. They’re simply small ways of saying, “I still choose you.”

3. Reframe Physical Intimacy as Emotional Safety

In high-stress seasons, sexual intimacy often fades, not always from lack of desire, but from a lack of emotional closeness. And that’s okay.

A study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior (McNulty et al., 2016) found that emotional satisfaction is a stronger predictor of sexual satisfaction than physical attraction or frequency. In other words, when we feel close, desire tends to follow.

So start small. Sit close on the couch. Hold hands. Hug longer. Cuddle without expectations. If sex feels pressured or distant, talk about it without blame. Redefine intimacy as emotional connection, not performance.

4. Talk About the Resentment, Before It Becomes Bitterness

Many couples carry unspoken resentment. One partner may feel emotionally invisible. The other feels drained and unappreciated. But when those feelings are left unspoken, they turn into walls.

Gottman calls this the importance of a “soft startup.” Instead of blaming or withdrawing, begin with gentleness:

“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Can we talk about how we’re doing this together?”

“I miss you. I want to feel close again, but I’m not sure where to start.”

These conversations may feel vulnerable, but they’re also how healing begins. When we name our needs with tenderness, we create space for repair and reconnection.

5. Seek Help Early, Not as a Last Resort

There’s strength in seeking support. Whether it’s a few sessions with a counsellor, attending a marriage workshop, or reading a book together, early help can prevent long-term harm. You don’t need to be on the brink to benefit.

Studies show that Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) leads to improvement in 70–75% of couples, even those in high distress (Johnson et al., 1999). Sometimes all it takes is a few guided conversations to shift the atmosphere. Reaching out for help isn’t a sign of failure, it’s a sign you still care enough to fight for connection.

You don’t have to choose between being great parents and being close partners. In fact, when your marriage thrives, your parenting flows from a place of unity, not burnout.

Your kids don’t need perfect parents. But they deeply benefit from seeing love lived out in real time, love that’s intentional, affectionate, resilient, and real.

So don’t wait for the calendar to clear or the kids to grow up. Start now, with one intentional moment. A kind word. A longer hug. A late-night cup of tea and a look that says, “I still see you.” Because you’re not just managing a household.
You’re building a life. Together.